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Ask Mr. Smart Alec (A Little
Smart...A Lot Alec) is part of an on-going humorous look at some of the
issues that we face in our daily lives. Mr. Smart Alec is the alter
ego of a most-the-time local resident, who's name is available upon request. You can also contact Mr. Smart Alec yourself. So let him know what's buggin you and he'll give you an answer.
This week's question was posed by Ogden Valley Magazine
founder/publisher Bryan J. Smith who asks: "Hey, look at these photos - is
litter really a problem in our Valley?"
Answer: Well,
DUH! Anyone with half a brain would be
disgusted that this perfect place to which many of us have migrated would
be...well, literally littered with litter.
Now that Mr. Smart Alec has answered that totally foolish
question, let's get on to Mr. Smart Alec's real smarty point for the week,
"Karmic healing through litter cleanup."
So, here's the deal:
Search yourself (yes, I do mean figuratively, duh). Have you ever (yeah, EVER) littered? Now, you don't have to admit it to anyone
other than yourself - no one will know (well except for yours truly, Mr. Smart
Alec, and I know pretty much everything).
Okay, now that you have fessed up to something we all have done, whether
ad - or inad - vertently (I told you Mr. Smart Alec was smart) what can be done
to remove that niggling scar of litter guilt?
Admitting, even if just to yourself, that you are an imperfect,
sometimes selfish and uncaring scum bucket, lowlife, ignoramus (um...strike
those last three - I was on a roll) human being is a good start, but only a
start.
Excuse me while I take this phone
call: "Hello, yes it is. No, asking why Mr. Smart Alec is such a dumb
head is not an appropriate question.
Okay, bye." Sheesh, duh, whoaa.
Okay, I am back.
Let's see. Yada Yada-good first
step - right...The real deal is you can heal your Karma without violating your
own Eighth Amendment Rights (look it up) by a simple and painless
exercise. When next you are out walking
along some of our beautiful trails (Mr. Smart Alec says the Pathways Project
ROCKS!!!) and you spy that beer can (Mr. Smart Alec will address the "Why is
Utah beer so weak," question in a later column), pop bottle, plastic bag, used
Pamper (eeewww!), or whatever, do more than mentally chastise the idiot who had
the moronic egocentricity to foul this slice of Mother Nature's Heaven
and.......okay, let's see, one plus three take away four equals...duhhhh, PICK
IT UP and throw it in the trash.
Related Items:
If you are squeamish about germs to Howard Hughes-esque
(look it up) proportions, carry disposable/recyclable gloves in a pocket (even
Mr. Smart Alec would don said hand wear for the handling of the aforementioned
dirty diadies - but Mr. Smart Alec kids you not, he has found many) and dispose
of trash and gloves at walk's end. For
most though, a good hand washing once home and certainly before cramming one's
maw with French fries and Pringles slathered with melted Velveeta and ketchup (oh,
sorry...on a roll again) will be sufficient.
No, you do not need to interrupt every walk by constantly
picking up litter. But, say one walk out
of five, get on the "heal your litter Karma" train. Here is a Mr. Smart Alec tip for the double-play
of Karmic litter cleanup (man, Mr. Smart Alec is good). Go for your walk merely taking note of the
trash on the way, but keeping a sharp eye out (Mr. Smart Alec will address the
oxymoronic colloquial roots of "sharp eye out" in a later column) for a
discarded plastic grocery bag (and there are plenty). Pick up the bag and pocket it. Then, on your return gambol (you've got it -
look it up) fill the bag with the other litter.
Collecting litter in litter; it's almost poetic. One such double-play per week should cleanse
your Karma pretty goodlyous (Mr. Smart Alec finds grammar soooo
confining).
Pardon me, let me take this call. "Hello, yes it is I. No, I don't know of any literary devices
other than parentheticals." Whoa, duh,
sheesh.
Okay, Mr. Smart Alec is back. No need to show off by carrying fluorescent
orange garbage bags[1] and
sighing sotto-voiced at every piece of litter you see.
Just quietly and with a forgiving
heart (yeah, right) pick up 20 pieces of litter a week and you will be on the
road to Karmic bliss at least on the litter front. Oh, and a side benefit, the Ogden Valley will
become litter-free, not only because you are picking up what they discarded,
but also because "they" will become "we" (if you remove the consonants and add
a "w," "they" literally becomes "we" - sheer genius aye what?) and "we" won't
continue being so unbelievably unconscious as to litter ever again.
Superciliously (LIU) Yours,
Mr. Smart Alec
[1] Those of
you serving out government imposed penalties are excepted (take that dumb head
caller).
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